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This spot on cartoon is referencing a story from December, but it’s even more timely today after Giuliani quoted Trump as saying that the proposed Trump Tower Moscow deal, “…was all going from the day I announced to the day I won.”
The entire non-Indigenous populations of Canada and the United States have a friend who is Indigenous and they’re not offended by it, according to a new report released on Tuesday.
“Yeah my friend is Indigenous and they’re not offended by it,” the report reads.
“So, yeah, maybe you’re just being sensitive.”
The groundbreaking report, I Have a Friend Who is Indigenous and They Are Not Offended by It, analyzed at the relationships of millions of non-Indigenous North Americans and their Indigenous friend.
The data, collected over a period of three years, was used to determine whether or not that Indigenous friend was offended or just being overly sensitive about it. However, it’s unclear whether or not each of the those non-Indigenous North Americans each had an Indigenous friend that wasn’t offended by it or whether they were all mutual friends.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Ann Coulter Demands to Deliver State of the Union Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In blistering remarks aimed at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Ann Coulter demanded on Tuesday that she be allowed to deliver the 2019 State of the Union address.
“Nancy Pelosi should stop playing politics with the State of the Union,” Coulter told reporters. “Tradition dictates that I deliver that speech next week, and I intend to do just that.”
The conservative pundit scoffed at congressional Democrats’ condition that she reopen the government before being able to deliver the State of the Union.
“Clearly, since becoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has let power go to her head,” Coulter said.
Coulter indicated that she would use the State of the Union to speak to the American people not only about the border wall but also about her plans for the economy, trade, and America’s role in NATO.
“The American people have put tremendous faith in me,” she said. “I am not about to let Nancy Pelosi stop me from doing the job I was elected to do.”
The Borowitz Report
Dems Agree to Fund Wall and Reopen Government If Trump Leaves Country Forever
By Andy Borowitz
January 24, 2019
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever.
Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country.
Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.”
But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump.
Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations.
The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN.
“He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Furious that F.B.I. Not Stopped By Shutdown
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald Trump told reporters on Friday morning that it was “a total disgrace” that the Federal Bureau of Investigation had apparently not been affected by the government shutdown.
Trump, who appeared agitated and was gripping his television remote as he spoke on the White House lawn, said that he had been under the impression that F.B.I. agents had been furloughed and were not going to work.
“You have people across the country, in national parks and places like that, who are not at work, and somehow the F.B.I. is working around the clock?” Trump said. “I think it’s a total disgrace. It’s a sick situation.”
Trump said that he would call an emergency meeting of his Cabinet to “get some answers” about why the F.B.I. was working during the shutdown.
“Let’s say you were trying to leave the country in a hurry with your family—would the F.B.I. be at the airport to stop you?” he asked. “What good is this shutdown, anyway?”