Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.
Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.
“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”
Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed.
“As much as I hated making this decision, if it leads to me not making more decisions, it was a decision worth making,” she said on a Zoom call with reporters, before muting herself.
this banner reads like an open invitation to photoshop users everywhere.
Forget tests. Actually, America leads the world for having the most galactically-stupid leader.
Am I allowed to say I totally agree.
Meanwhile here in NZ in 2 days time we are going to allowed to go to the theatre and cinemas again.
And Jacinda says we have to be “spaced out”!
Just another “I’ll take my ball & go home” Q & A with our “dear leader”…
Sarah Cooper on Obamagate…aka Obamahate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “the greatest crime in American history” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.
“At first, when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever, I have to admit I was a little rattled,” Obama said. “But then I remembered Barr’s don’t-prosecute-crimes policy, and I was pretty chill about it.”
Obama said that he was unsure what crime Trump was accusing him of committing, “but I’m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I. or anything as serious as that—so I’m good.”
The former President said that, if it turns out that he did commit a crime, “I’ll immediately admit that I did it, because, if history is any guide, the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.”
Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions, whatever they were, Obama said, “This is an awesome time to be a criminal.”
Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.
“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”
If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”
He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”
Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.
He appears to be trying to eat it? Oh, the one that got away!
This is a good descriptive metaphor… #HadToPostLaughingOutLoud
Current mood, I think I’ll take a news break tomorrow.
Trump Says Nation Will Have Vaccine Before It Sees His Taxes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a solemn promise to the American people, Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns.
“People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine,” Trump said. “I say, not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.”
Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year, the chance of their having a glimpse of his tax returns by then sits at zero. “Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine,” he beamed.
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes, Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay, to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt.
“Eventually, my taxes will just go away,” he predicted.
At the National Institutes of Health, Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump’s forecast that a vaccine would be released before his taxes. “This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he’s said,” Fauci commented.