China Slaps Two-Thousand-Per-Cent Tariff on Tanning Beds
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest salvo in its escalating trade war with the United States, China has slapped all tanning beds slated for export to the U.S. with a two-thousand-per-cent tariff.
By artificially hiking up the cost of its tanning beds, China succeeded in sending the price of tanning beds worldwide soaring in overnight markets.
In what some experts regarded as a related move, China also placed a four-thousand-per-cent tariff on all spray-tan products headed for the U.S., as well as instant-tanning lotions, makeup foundation, and several popular hues of orange paint, including butter rum and burnt sienna.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, blasted China’s tariffs on its full range of tanning products, calling the move an “act of war.”
“What China doesn’t understand is that it is far from the only player in the tanning game,” Sanders said. “The United States stands ready and willing to import tanning beds from our friends in Canada.”
In Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded to reporters’ questions about the prospect of Canada shipping tanning beds to the United States. “It doesn’t look good,” he said.
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Queen Elizabeth Says Bone Spurs Will Prevent Her from Meeting Trump | The New Yorker
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II has cancelled a scheduled Friday meeting with Donald J. Trump after complaining of a “flare-up of bone spurs,” Buckingham Palace has confirmed.
The announcement took many royal watchers by surprise, because in her sixty-six-year reign the Queen had never before complained of bone spurs.
But, according to the Queen’s spokesman, Peter Rhys-Willington, Elizabeth had intentionally kept her chronic bone-spur condition a closely guarded secret until now. “Her Majesty is a very brave woman, and has not wanted to unnecessarily worry her subjects,” Rhys-Willington said. “And so, for decades, she has suffered in silence.”
The Queen referred to her bone spurs obliquely in an official statement issued on Thursday. “We are sorry to have to cancel the engagement, but we feared that meeting Donald Trump would be most painful,” the Queen’s statement read.