#peakmillennial #getthatgrapefruit
Opener for Stephen Colbert show
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump’s Calls to Manafort Going Straight to Voice Mail
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump placed “a large number” of phone calls to his former campaign manager Paul Manafort on Friday morning, and all of them went straight to voice mail, White House sources have confirmed.
The sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the number of voice-mail messages that Trump left for Manafort was somewhere in the range of twelve to three hundred.
Trump reportedly continued to leave messages for Manafort until his mailbox was full, after which Trump hurled his phone across the room, narrowly missing Mike Pence’s head.
Speaking to reporters, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, downplayed the significance of Manafort’s failure to pick up after Trump called him several hundred times.
“Phones can be tricky sometimes,” she said. “You saw what happened when he tried to call the President of Mexico.”
While other Administration officials were mum on Manafort’s deal to coöperate with Robert Mueller’s investigation, Trump’s attorney, Rudy Giuliani, said that it was “actually fantastic news,” because “it means I’ll get to be on TV a lot.”
Americans Want Alert System Enabling Mueller to Text Them When This Emergency Is Over
By Andy Borowitz
10:45 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans do not want Donald J. Trump to text them that there is an emergency, but “very strongly” want Robert Mueller to text them when this current emergency is over, a new poll shows.
FEMA’s about-to-be-launched “Presidential alert” system drew a sharply negative reaction in the poll, with a majority of Americans saying that they would burn, smash, or otherwise pulverize their phones in advance of the first text that Trump attempts to send them.
By contrast, and by a wide margin, Americans said that they wanted an alert system that would enable Mueller to text them “the second he knows this shit show is over,” the poll indicates.
Poll respondents were amenable to a broad array of methods by which Mueller might deliver such news, including the one-word text “FINITO,” the phrase “ORANGE CRUSHED,” and emojis depicting a thumbs-up or smiley face.
or 
or FINITO or 
crushed!
Merrick Garland Admits to Cheating at Scrabble Once
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “it’s time to face the consequences of my actions,” Judge Merrick Garland admitted on Thursday that he cheated at Scrabble one time, in 2003.
Garland, who recently informed the Senate Judiciary Committee that he was “still available” to be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, choked back tears as he confessed to the “disgraceful” Scrabble incident.
“In late 2003, I was playing a game of Scrabble with my wife and Googled a word while she was off using the bathroom,” Garland said. “I deeply regret my behavior, which was reprehensible and inexcusable.”
Garland revealed that the word he Googled, “muzjiks,” all but sealed his victory in the Scrabble contest.
“Although this was the only time I have ever cheated at any word game, I believe it disqualifies me to sit on the United States Supreme Court,” he said. “Therefore, I hereby withdraw my name from all future consideration.”
Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said that Garland’s confession vindicated Republicans’ decision not to grant him a single meeting when he was Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nominee.
“This revelation confirms our darkest suspicions about Merrick Garland,” Grassley said. “It looks like we dodged a bullet.”
