Satire from The Borowitz Report
Americans Would Feel Safer If a Huge Caravan of Angry White Men Left the Country
MINNESOTA (The Borowitz Report)—A vast majority of Americans would feel significantly safer if an enormous caravan consisting of angry white men left the country, a new poll indicates.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, suggests that the concept of an angry-white-male caravan could be the most wildly popular policy proposal in the run-up to Tuesday’s midterm elections.
In an indication of just how much support the proposal has, many Americans said that they would personally contribute gas money to help get the caravan on its way.
Despite the popularity of the caravan, however, there was disagreement over what the optimal number of angry white men to depart with it would be, with some suggesting a figure of twenty thousand and others preferring a number as high as forty million.
Additionally, the implementation of such a caravan could face major obstacles; the survey indicates that both Mexican and Canadian voters overwhelmingly oppose any influx whatsoever of angry white American males.
“Trump’s a stupid man’s idea of a smart person, a poor man’s idea of a rich person & a weak man’s idea of a strong man.” -Fran Lebowitz
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Warns That Democrats Would Drag Nation Back to Days of Tolerance and DecorumBy Andy Borowitz
CHATTANOOGA (The Borowitz Report)—Employing the fear tactics that have typified his midterm campaigning, Donald J. Trump told a rally audience on Sunday that electing Democrats would drag the nation back to the dark days of tolerance and decorum.
Trump made his closing argument to the Chattanooga, Tennessee, audience by raising the spectre of a return to the dignified and restrained discourse that plagued the nation during the regime of his predecessor, Barack Obama.
“We had eight years of talking about people of different genders, races, and nationalities as if they were human beings,” Trump warned. “Do we want to go back to that?”
“No!” the crowd shouted.
“Do we want our public figures to consider the consequences of their words and actions?” he asked.
“No!” they thundered.
Appearing on Fox News, Vice-President Mike Pence defended Trump against charges that he was irresponsibly stoking his supporters’ worst fears about a return to compassion and civility.
“This election is about whether we, as a nation, want to move forward or backward,” Pence said. “And I have faith that the American people want to keep moving backward.”
