I swear, Trump is going .
A catchy little tune to perk up your morning…
The Borowitz Report
Bezos Says Amazon Drones Ready to Deliver Mueller Report to Every American Household
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Amazon drones stand “ready and waiting” to deliver copies of Robert Mueller’s official report, free of charge, to every American household as early as next week, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, confirmed on Wednesday.
According to Bezos, Amazon has been planning the Mueller delivery mission for months, quietly building its drone fleet from a meagre two hundred to well over three million.
“Amazon will be doing same-day delivery of Mueller’s report the day it is released, free of charge, to both Prime and non-Prime households,” Bezos said. “This is our way of giving something back.”
News of the offer sent the Mueller report zooming to No. 1 on Amazon’s best-seller list within minutes.
According to the Amazon site, customers who shopped for the Mueller report also shopped for “Crime and Punishment,” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
Oh Wish Fairy…pretty please make this happen!
Need the humor…thank you!
Not sure that this belongs in the funny thread but I just got my first digital design pad and pen so here’s an illustration of Jamal Khashoggi.
This dog loves AOC, Click tweet for video!
The Borowitz Report
Rosie O’Donnell Chosen to Read Audiobook of Mueller Report
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed on Saturday.
Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free. In fact, she offered to pay us to let her narrate it.”
Speaking to reporters, O’Donnell called the job of narrating Mueller’s report “the acting job of a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d get the chance to play so many twisted characters,” she said. “I mean, when else am I going to get to be both Ivanka and Jared? People are gonna freaking love listening to this in the car.”
She said that she fully expected Trump to be one of those listeners. “He’s not a big reader, that’s for sure,” she said. “And I think it’s best that he hear what’s in the report from me.”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Warns Michael Cohen to Leave Lying to Professionals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As he prepared to testify to Congress on Wednesday, the former Trump lawyer Michael D. Cohen received a thorough scolding from the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who warned Cohen to “leave lying to the professionals.”
“You probably think you can step up to the microphone and lie like it’s the easiest thing in the world,” she said. “Well, you should try doing it each and every day, and then tell me how easy it is.”
Sanders drew a sharp distinction between professional liars who take pride in their work and liars like Cohen, whom she called “strictly amateur.”
“Michael Cohen has never demonstrated that he is willing to put in the hard work, practice, and sheer drudgery of becoming a great liar,” she said. “This is definitely one of those ten-thousand-hours things.”
She said she hoped if American children watch Cohen’s “pathetic performance” before Congress that they do not get the wrong idea about America’s liars. “Kids need to know that there are many well-trained and highly professional liars in this country, and many of them are right here in the White House,” she said.