Shoutout to @Himal 
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Queen Elizabeth Moving to Canada
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Canada “immediately” and should take up full-time residence there by the end of the week, Buckingham Palace confirmed on Tuesday.
The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks.
In a sign that the Queen’s decision is irrevocable, the palace revealed that her beloved corgis had already been flown to Toronto.
In a brief farewell statement to the British people, the Queen explained why she had chosen Canada as her new home. “We speak the language, and our picture’s on the money there,” she said.
She said that she had “no regrets” about abdicating the throne to her son, Charles. “At this point, there’s nothing he can do to make the U.K. more messed up than it already is,” she said.
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Republicans Defend Trump’s Decision to Give Putin Office Space at White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that Donald J. Trump’s control over the Republican Party is now complete, congressional Republicans on Thursday defended his decision to give the Russian President Vladimir Putin office space at the White House.
A newly emboldened Trump told reporters that he had furnished Putin with a corner-office suite and secretarial staff to use whenever the Russian President is in town. “He says he plans to be here more and more,” Trump said.
Putin, who moved file boxes into his new office on Thursday afternoon, said he looks forward to many productive hours at the White House with few, if any, interruptions.
“At the Kremlin, people are always sticking their heads in my office, asking me questions,” he said. “President Trump just spends all day watching TV.”
At the U.S. Senate, a visibly angry Senator Lindsey Graham called allegations that there was anything improper about Trump giving office space to Putin “totally unfair, disgusting, and vile.”
“Vladimir Putin has worked harder to run the U.S. government than all of the Democrats in Congress put together,” Graham said.
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Had been hearing that some bartenders in NYC say that he’d get a beer…but that is the extent of it. But yeah, if T can go pretend he’s pure as the driven snow, then that’s what he wants everyone to think. That’s his MO.
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The rumor is he doesn’t drink because his brother died an alcoholic and he’s terrified of it, but I have to wonder.
In other news, I just made this:
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Government Housing Structure Infested with Criminals and Rats
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A government-subsidized housing structure has fallen into a dangerous state and has become thoroughly infested with criminals and rats, a leading congressman warned on Saturday.
The building has become “the territory of vicious gangsters who roam freely and consider themselves above the law,” Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat of Maryland, said.
The congressman added that notorious gang members took over the housing facility in early 2017 and have “spread terror and despair” there ever since.
“People are scared to be there,” Cummings said. “Hundreds have fled.”
He said that the horrific conditions within the housing complex are one of the nation’s worst-kept secrets. “Many of the people who have fled over the past two years have written books about it,” he said. “But the criminals continue to run wild.”
The congressman said that he was speaking out for the benefit of the residents in his Baltimore, Maryland, district. “I am alarmed that the nation’s worst breeding ground for crime is less than fifty miles from Baltimore,” he said.
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