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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Putin Saddened That Trump Asked Other Foreign Country to Meddle in Election
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Wednesday that he was “saddened and hurt” that Donald J. Trump had asked a different foreign country to meddle in a U.S. election.
“I thought when it came to election meddling that Donald and I were exclusive,” an emotional Putin told reporters. “This feels like a betrayal.”
Putin said that when he read the call summary of the phone conversation between Trump and the President of Ukraine, “I could not believe my eyes. It was just like the conversations Donald and I used to have.”
The Russian leader said that he had considered meddling in the 2020 election to help Trump, but added, “Now I’m not so sure.”
“We had something special, but now that’s gone,” Putin said. “I feel so used.”
Reference Leslie Nielsen (Pilot from movie Airplane)
He can’t spell “describing”, thinks an apostrophe is a hyphen, is throwing a tantrum over CNN, which he claims not to watch, is correcting his grammar… oh, and HE’S GETTING IMPEACHED. Stupid watergate, people. Stupid watergate.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has inked a ninety-million-dollar deal to produce a Netflix series about Donald J. Trump’s impeachment, Netflix confirmed on Friday.
Production on the series could begin as early as October, in Washington and Kiev, Obama told reporters.
“We’ve already hit the ground running on the script,” Obama said. “Rudy Giuliani has given us a lot to work from.”
Obama said that casting for the roles of Trump and Mike Pence had already begun. “Pence has a much bigger role in this than you might think,” he added.
The former President acknowledged, however, that dramatizing the story of the Trump impeachment was not without challenges. “Right now, the main character reveals the smoking gun himself in the first episode,” he said. “There’s virtually no mystery.”
In a world gone mad… thank goodness there are corgis.
I will always be amazed by how much of what’s going on spills out on Twitter. So much of this era centers around social media characters acting almost like the chorus of a Greek Tragedy.
Poll: Young people think Trump is racist, dishonest, ‘mentally unfit for office’
This Borowitz thinks of everything (funny).
Trump Says If There Is Another Civil War He Will Get a New Note from Podiatrist
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after tweeting that his impeachment could result in a civil war, Donald J. Trump clarified that, in the event of such a war, he would seek a new note from his podiatrist.
Trump issued the clarification after military advisers cautioned him that, after starting a civil war, he might reasonably be expected to participate in it.
Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Trump said, “Much as I would like to fight in a civil war, my very serious foot condition would keep me from doing that.”
Trump said that, although every other part of him was “extremely young and vibrant,” his feet “are in no condition to fight.”
He added, however, that the country should “think very carefully” before engaging in a civil war. “It would be very sad for the United States to have a civil war for the first time in its history,” he said.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
(I am totally crying).