BREAKING: Trump’s new Coronavirus Czar Mike Pence and HHS Sec. Alex Azar unveil the new GOP Coronavirus Vaccine!
Watch video - Stephen Colbert does a ‘name this person flash card’ with Elizabeth Warren
Apparently… this is a thing. You can search it. It’s stupid as all get out, but it’s a thing.
What the hell. No wonder people believe Corona beer spreads the coronavirus.
Putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids, doctors warn
Nothing to see here.
Read AOC’s responses to Sen Ted Cruz’s attacks on her knowledge, abilities to know anything about science. Yes, she had him cold.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an aids outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.
Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her nine supporters announced on Monday.
The announcement from Gabbard’s nine followers surprised many Democrats, who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running.
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary, the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard’s path to the nomination had grown “dauntingly narrow.”
“We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing President of the United States,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters, said. “But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.”
Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign, noting, “By not appearing in the past two debates, she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.”
Reached at her office in Washington, a defiant Gabbard said that she was “in it to win it” and that she still had the strong support of her imaginary friends.
Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.
“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
Trump’s tirade against Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state, a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence’s inadequate praying efforts.
“They’re still voting in California,” Trump barked at Pence around midnight. “Get down on your knees and get to work, you loser.”
According to White House sources, Trump’s insistence that Pence pray for Biden’s failure has pushed the Vice-President “to the breaking point.”
“He’s already spending hours every day praying for the stock market to go up,” one source said.
Hey WTF Fam,
I just wanted to pop on and let you guys know I’m ok. We’ve had a non virus related tragedy hit my family this past week. I’ve lost my mother and an uncle unexpectedly. I will be on here infrequently for a while. Thank you all for keeping me sane the last few years during the new disinformation era we’re living through. Keep up the excellent work, I’ll be back in full force when I feel ready.
Your friendly neighborhood
@Pet_Proletariat – You are in our hearts. Wishing you and your family a time of peace, grace and healing. We will be thinking of you and look forward to your insights and guidance once again in the future – you have been a rock in this community – you have our gratitude and friendship.