Humor, memes, funny internet stuff etc

dragonfly9 · March 16, 2020, 5:23pm

Trump Tests Negative For Empathy

March 16, 2020

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.

In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”

“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”

The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.

“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.

Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.

dragonfly9 · March 17, 2020, 4:54am

SmartSelect_20200316-220948_Instagram1056×1077 442 KB

Windthin · March 17, 2020, 12:45pm

McConnell%20Puppet%205%20Anim650×650 1.9 MB

elaphe · March 17, 2020, 5:36pm

image1125×969 147 KB

Windthin · March 17, 2020, 6:11pm

Trumpvirus%20Monster

Keaton_James · March 17, 2020, 7:02pm

2020-03-17%20meme1200×675 130 KB

Keaton_James · March 17, 2020, 7:16pm

@Windthin has posted this in the Coronavirus thread, but posting here, too, just so no one misses it. This is a highly effective message – both calling out Trump for his abysmal incompetence and giving us hope that together (and despite Trump), we can get through this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=3f4J07tGTo0&feature=emb_logo

dragonfly9 · March 17, 2020, 9:41pm

Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.

Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.

“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.

When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”

Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.

Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.

Keaton_James · March 18, 2020, 3:02am

cartoon%20-%202020-03-171120×1120 213 KB

Windthin · March 18, 2020, 6:29pm

image1583×2048 853 KB

Windthin · March 18, 2020, 10:19pm

elaphe · March 18, 2020, 9:08pm

If you need to wear a mask for protection: (I’ve never heard of HALF of these, lol!)
Notice the green checks for styles that are safe, & red checks for the “no-go’s”. I probably should have put this in the COVID-19 thread, because it’s not a joke…it just hit me as sorta funny, a sign of the times?

The CDC recommends shaving beards to protect against the virus

This 2017 image made available by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health shows the kinds of facial hairstyles which will work with a tight-sealing respirator. (from CDC 2017)

elaphe · March 19, 2020, 1:12am

I guess it’s true that “everything old is new again”. When I read the following in the paper today, I couldn’t help noticing that our dear POTUS fails the test miserably.

Dear Abby: I have carried a worn clipping of your “Definition of Maturity” with me for many years because it has been inspirational to me. I even gave a copy of it to my younger brother. Is it part of one of your publications? I feel it is relevant today because both the young and old could use a lesson in respect and self-respect. Can you reprint it?

– Frances in Dallas

Dear Frances: With pleasure! Here it is: “Definition of Maturity” Maturity is: The ability to stick with a job until it’s finished.

The ability to do a job without being supervised.

The ability to carry money without spending it.

And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting To get even.

Windthin · March 19, 2020, 6:04am

Keaton_James · March 19, 2020, 6:52am

Windthin · March 19, 2020, 10:47am

Windthin · March 19, 2020, 12:35pm

https://twitter.com/i/events/1240516816960491521

dragonfly9 · March 19, 2020, 3:29pm

It’s come to this…sometimes there are no words to get a grip on what has been happerning. I am indecisively between 2 & 3 - disorderly-orderly with a lot of freak outs as to the State-of-the-Union.

Pet_Proletariat · March 19, 2020, 3:56pm

I’m a 5, I don’t know what the fuck I’m am anymore.

dragonfly9 · March 19, 2020, 4:17pm

Satire from The Borowitz Report

Fox to Address Coronavirus Crisis with Three-Part Series on Hunter Biden

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Determined to address the “No. 1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis,” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden.

The series, to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden’s son.

“People are trapped inside their homes, they’re worried, they’re scared, and they don’t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden,” Hannity said. “We’re here to fill that need.”