This is how the Scots do it 
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UK to give world a bloody good laugh by getting morons to panic buy McDonald’s
If only they all dressed like that, it’s a fierce look
The UK has decided to take one for the team and cheer everyone else up by sending its widespread moron population to form huge and in some cases quite violent queues outside McDonald’s restaurants before they all close.
“Our first idea was to contribute to the global fight against the coronavirus by providing medical supplies and staff,” said a Number Ten spokesperson. “Then we realised that we don’t have any so instead thought we’d give other countries a giggle with footage of idiots ignoring social distancing and brawling just to buy a handful of sweaty mechanically recovered meat.”
“The rest of the world will see the long lines and the emergency services being deployed to them and they’ll be tickled pink. Proving that laughter really is the best medicine. Which is handy because we’ve got bugger all medicine.”
McDonald’s will close nationwide at 19:00 this evening. Let the games begin.
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[
The Untastic Mr. Fitz@UnFitz
](https://twitter.com/UnFitz)Don’t think of me as an extreme lifelong introvert.
Think of me as a highly qualified quarantine consultant.
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This is a “Pet Pep Talk”
(get it?)
When I was in isolation during cancer treatments last year, some days I just played Red Dead Redemption Online because the stress of the situation made being actually productive too emotionally difficult. We all deal with stress in different ways. It’s ok to freak out a bit, this is a novel flu pandemic, life has changed, it’s ok to acknowledge how this is affecting you. We are all under duress, don’t beat you’re self up if your productivity is not as high as it was before or your not excited about doing stuff, this is a high stress situation. Remember to give yourself permission to feel anything right now. Feelings and random thoughts are not who you are as a person. You can only control your actions.
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Looks promising…
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What is it?? - Toilet paper roll as if it were an avocado seed being planted?
Or is it an atomizer with alcohol below??
I can not get it??? But it looks silly.
Recently I cut up some toilet paper rolls for baby kitty toys!! 
And it is not that…
It takes me a while here…
wut??
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Ding Ding Ding, You WIN! 
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Well with the constant run on toilet paper (I thought it was a respiratory not a gastro illness) it might just be worth a try! If it does - free toilet rolls for life! 
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Joke:
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.
Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.
The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Angela said to the ten year old: “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only just starting.”
The 10 year old replied: “Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag.”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.
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