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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.

Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”

“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”

Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.

“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.

The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.

(M A Croft) #1932

If only that were true.

(Lynn) #1933

New graphic especially for Florida residents: :rofl:

(David Bythewood) #1934

My little collection of Dr. Fauci political cartoons.


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Incompetence Stockpiles, the federal reserves of inanity and ineptitude to be drawn upon in times of crisis, are at “full capacity,” the Government Accountability Office announced on Saturday.

According to the G.A.O., the Incompetence Stockpiles are so well stocked at the moment that they are in danger of overflowing.

“The sheer tonnage of failure and impotence that is being dumped into the stockpiles on a daily basis is straining their ability to contain it,” the G.A.O. statement read.

Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota who has written the definitive book about the National Incompetence Stockpiles, said that the nation’s futility reserves stand at their highest levels ever, eclipsing the record stockpiles established during the tenure of President George W. Bush.

“The Bush Administration tapped the National Incompetence Stockpiles when it invaded Iraq and responded to Hurricane Katrina,” Logsdon said. “At the time, it seemed as though the stockpiles would never be fully replenished, and that makes the Trump Administration’s achievement all the more striking.”

According to the statutes governing the National Incompetence Stockpiles, individual states may draw on the federal reserves of idiocy in times of emergency, but so far the governors of states like Georgia, Texas, and Florida have been able to rely on vast stockpiles of their own.

(Lynn) #1936

(M A Croft) #1937

I’ve done some research on that photo and the story behind it is quite different to the moral described on the photo. Actually the picture is from 1958 and the Algerian war, and it shows a member of the French Foreign Legion carrying a starving and exhausted donkey he had found. He took it back to his base, the Legionnaires nursed it back to health, and made it the base mascot.

En 1958, un légionnaire de la “13″ (13e Demi-brigade de Légion étrangère) en opérations trouve un âne mourrant de faim dans le djebel. Le légionnaire le ramène à la base et la bête devient la mascotte de l’unité sous le nom de “Bambi”. In 1958, a legionary of “13” (13th Demi-Brigade of Foreign Legion) in operations found a donkey starving in the Jebel. The legionnaire brought him back to the base and the animal became the mascot of the unit under the name “Bambi”.

I think the moral of looking after the Jackass is still valid however and the picture illustrates a good moral story. :slight_smile:

(Lynn) #1938

Hey, thanks! Actually, I just shared what was sent to me for laughs here…I’m not overly-shocked to find out that it was something quite different going on that what was described. In fact, it’s very unlikely that any explosion set off by the donkey could have “killed everyone” (the soldiers were quite spread out) so I didn’t believe it either- :wink: You did a great job of digging & the truth is a actually a better story- I’m an animal lover.


(David Bythewood) #1940

When Humans Are Sheltered in Place, Wild Animals Will Play

Goats in Wales; coyotes in San Francisco; rats, rats, everywhere: With much of the world staying home to prevent the spread of the coronavirus, animals have ventured out where normally the presence of people would keep them away.

Brawling Monkeys. Wandering Deer. Blame Coronavirus.

At popular tourist stops in Thailand and Japan, some creatures are going hungry because visitors haven’t been turning up to feed them.

(David Bythewood) #1941

Setting fires:

(Ray Van Houtte) #1942


Look for the silver linings…we need 'em.

(David Bythewood) #1944

The return of Orange and Bread with a great new idea for the coronavirus pandemic.
Trust me, this is at least as dum-, er, viable as any advice Trump has given us.
The role of Donald Trump will be played by a rotten orange with a fuzzy caterpillar, googly eyes, and a red tie on it; Mike Pence is, as always, a dollop of rancid mayo on moldy white bread.

(David Bythewood) #1945

I for one welcome our new H-E-B overlords if they save us from the coronavirus and the Trump regime at the same time.

Inside the Story of How H-E-B Planned for the Pandemic

The grocer started communicating with Chinese counterparts in January and was running tabletop simulations a few weeks later. (But nothing prepared it for the rush on toilet paper.)


WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Peter Navarro, the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House’s coronavirus response, earned a Ph.D. from Trump University, it emerged on Tuesday.

Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments, his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning, when Donald J. Trump cited it as “the reason I hired him.”

According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript, Navarro majored in Trump Studies, which the defunct university’s course catalogue described as the “study of the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.”

To earn his Ph.D., Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “Donald J. Trump: Genius or Savior?” Extolling Navarro’s academic work, Trump said, “If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro, I’ll go with the Trump University grad, every time.”

For his part, Navarro told reporters that “fighting a pandemic isn’t rocket science,” but added that he is also an expert in rocket science.


We should all take more photos of our experiences during this time.




(David Bythewood) #1949

Well, he joins some other notable alums:


:joy: Click tweet for gif :point_down: