WTF Community

Bad News, Everyone

Everyone: Did you hear the news?

Everybody: From yesterday?

Everyone: Yeah.

Everybody: I did, yeah. Awful.

Everyone: What the hell is going on right now?

Everybody: I don’t know. It’s insane.

Everyone: How about that thing from last night?

Everybody: Oh, my God, I saw that—how does it keep happening?

Everyone: Doesn’t make sense.

Everybody: Then I woke up this morning and saw that other thing.

Everyone: Yeah, that was so sad. Beyond sad. How about later this morning, remember that thing?

Everybody: I forgot about that. Jesus.

Everyone: Did you hear what just happened?

Everybody: When?

Everyone: Just now, while we were talking.

Everybody: No, I must have missed it. I was trying to do a news blackout for a little while. Is it bad?

Everyone: Really bad.

Everybody: Worse than the thing that happened when you said “really bad”?

Everyone: I don’t know about worse—it was different.

Everybody: What did you say?

Everyone: I said it was different.

Everybody: Sorry, I’m a little distracted because something horrifying just happened.

Everyone: Really? What?

Everybody: Wait, false alarm. I think I imagined it because I couldn’t deal with the lull.

Everyone: After that last thing, I promised myself I was going to do something—you know, like, get active.

Everybody: So what did you do?

Everyone: I tweeted.

Everybody: Did you really? What did you write?

Everyone: I wrote, “This has to STOP!!!”

Everybody: How many exclamation points did you use? Did you capitalize any of it?

Everyone: Three. And yes.

Everybody: You’re on the front lines of change.

Everyone: I know.

Everybody: Maybe I should try a news blackout for a little while, too.

Everyone: You should. It’s healthy.

Everybody: O.K. I’m doing it right now.

Everyone: Oh, my God! You just missed the craziest shit.

Everybody: I knew that was going to happen! I hate how out of touch I am.

Everyone: There’s so much going on lately that I feel like I’m getting numb to it all. Do you ever worry about that?

Everybody: Yeah.

Everyone: Sometimes I just stare at terrible things on the screen with zero emotion on my face. Then eventually I snap out of it and start pointing and laughing, so that’s good.

Everybody: I’m scared I’m getting numb to things, too, but then I wake up screaming from asphyxiating night terrors and I’m relieved I’m still normal.

Everyone: There’s so much anger and helplessness flooding my thoughts, I worry that soon there won’t be any room for other emotions, like dread.

Everybody: The key for me has been to stop enjoying happiness. I’ve trained myself to actually be repulsed by it—that way I don’t miss it.

Everyone: I did that with hope. It’s great.

Everybody: I hate puppies now.

Everyone: They’re hideous.

Everybody: You know those moments between crying about one thing and crying about the next thing, when you finally have time to catch your breath and just cry about nothing?

Everyone: Yeah, but I feel like I’ve been taking those moments for granted—

Everybody: Sorry to interrupt, but I just saw what’s going to happen in, like, ten minutes, and it’s not good.

Everyone: Wait, you can see the future?

Everybody: Yes, I can.

Everyone: You mean you’re no longer a prisoner of the twenty-four-hour news cycle? You can see more?

Everybody: The future news cycle is within all of our grasps—you just need to know how to unlock it.

Everyone: Will you show me?

Everybody: Yes. But I warn you—you must truly want to see.

Everyone: I do want to see. I want to see everything!

Everybody: Then close your eyes.

Everyone (laughing manically): I see . . . I see everything. It’s horrible. Thank you!

Everybody: You’re welcome. :diamonds:

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So, you’re planning to introduce a new companion website “futurestatus.io” ?

Edit to add:
Anyone care to register that domain and just set a permanent redirect to politics.theonion.com ??

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@matt
#WednesdayWisdom

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This was posted earlier in the Humor thread, but I couldn’t resist reposting it here.

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