Trump Warns That Biden Presidency Would Mean Regular Mail Service and Sports
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an apocalyptic vision of life under his Democratic rival, Donald Trump will warn on Thursday night that a Biden Presidency would mean regular mail service and sports.
An advance copy of Trump’s final R.N.C. speech reveals that Trump will paint an ominous picture of a nation living under the tyranny of uninterrupted postal delivery and athletic events.
“Joe Biden and his left-wing puppet masters will take whatever measures they deem necessary to insure that the mail is delivered in a timely fashion,” he will warn. “Biden and his radical henchwomen, Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will stop at nothing to make that nightmare a reality.”
Additionally, Trump will charge, “If Joe Biden is allowed to wipe out the pandemic and institute police reforms, professional sports will be played like never before.”
“No city will be safe from sports,” he will add.
Trump will end his relentlessly downbeat speech on a note of optimism, however. “Only one thing can protect America from the sinister threat of mail and sports,” he will declare. “Me.”
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