Humor, memes, funny internet stuff etc

[dragonfly9]

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump’s Calls to Manafort Going Straight to Voice Mail

By Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump placed “a large number” of phone calls to his former campaign manager Paul Manafort on Friday morning, and all of them went straight to voice mail, White House sources have confirmed.

The sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the number of voice-mail messages that Trump left for Manafort was somewhere in the range of twelve to three hundred.

Trump reportedly continued to leave messages for Manafort until his mailbox was full, after which Trump hurled his phone across the room, narrowly missing Mike Pence’s head.

Speaking to reporters, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, downplayed the significance of Manafort’s failure to pick up after Trump called him several hundred times.

“Phones can be tricky sometimes,” she said. “You saw what happened when he tried to call the President of Mexico.”

While other Administration officials were mum on Manafort’s deal to coöperate with Robert Mueller’s investigation, Trump’s attorney, Rudy Giuliani, said that it was “actually fantastic news,” because “it means I’ll get to be on TV a lot.”

Trump’s Calls to Manafort Going Straight to Voice Mail

[dragonfly9]

[dragonfly9]

[dragonfly9]

[dragonfly9]

Americans Want Alert System Enabling Mueller to Text Them When This Emergency Is Over

By Andy Borowitz

10:45 A.M.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans do not want Donald J. Trump to text them that there is an emergency, but “very strongly” want Robert Mueller to text them when this current emergency is over, a new poll shows.

FEMA’s about-to-be-launched “Presidential alert” system drew a sharply negative reaction in the poll, with a majority of Americans saying that they would burn, smash, or otherwise pulverize their phones in advance of the first text that Trump attempts to send them.

By contrast, and by a wide margin, Americans said that they wanted an alert system that would enable Mueller to text them “the second he knows this shit show is over,” the poll indicates.

Poll respondents were amenable to a broad array of methods by which Mueller might deliver such news, including the one-word text “FINITO,” the phrase “ORANGE CRUSHED,” and emojis depicting a thumbs-up or smiley face.

Americans Want Alert System Enabling Mueller to Text Them When This Emergency...

or or FINITO or crushed!

[Keaton_James]

[anon95374541]

[anon95374541]

[dragonfly9]

[dragonfly9]

Merrick Garland Admits to Cheating at Scrabble Once

By Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “it’s time to face the consequences of my actions,” Judge Merrick Garland admitted on Thursday that he cheated at Scrabble one time, in 2003.

Garland, who recently informed the Senate Judiciary Committee that he was “still available” to be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, choked back tears as he confessed to the “disgraceful” Scrabble incident.

“In late 2003, I was playing a game of Scrabble with my wife and Googled a word while she was off using the bathroom,” Garland said. “I deeply regret my behavior, which was reprehensible and inexcusable.”

Garland revealed that the word he Googled, “muzjiks,” all but sealed his victory in the Scrabble contest.

“Although this was the only time I have ever cheated at any word game, I believe it disqualifies me to sit on the United States Supreme Court,” he said. “Therefore, I hereby withdraw my name from all future consideration.”

Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said that Garland’s confession vindicated Republicans’ decision not to grant him a single meeting when he was Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nominee.

“This revelation confirms our darkest suspicions about Merrick Garland,” Grassley said. “It looks like we dodged a bullet.”

Merrick Garland Admits to Cheating at Scrabble Once

[anon95374541]

[dragonfly9]

T Rally Las Vegas 9.20.18 - awaiting his arrival.

[celena]

From the Las Vegas Sun:

Tell me they don’t look like they’re going to kiss.

Though I guess to be fair it could just be foreplay; they are meeting for the stated purpose of fucking the whole country over.

[dragonfly9]

Familiar playbook.

[dragonfly9]

Protecting their own, discarding others.

[dragonfly9]

Sounds about right.

[dragonfly9]

…Pray for SOS

[dragonfly9]

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Grassley Spends Weekend Practicing Pretending-to-Listen Face

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing the daunting challenge of appearing to pay attention to a woman’s utterances during a televised hearing, Senator Charles Grassley spent the weekend rehearsing what aides are calling his “pretending to listen” face.

In round-the-clock practice sessions that aides characterized as “excruciating,” the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee struggled to simulate even a trace of interest in what a woman had to say.

“Chuck has never pretended to listen to a woman before,” an aide said. “These are uncharted waters.”

According to the aide, Grassley’s fake-listening skills “are rudimentary at best,” and the senator was able to hold only a semi-attentive facial expression for seven seconds before it showed unmistakable signs of boredom, irritation, and contempt.

At one point, Grassley reportedly exploded with frustration, bellowing, “If I’d known that going into politics meant I’d have to listen to women, I’d have become a longshoreman.”

Complicating the mock sessions further was the absence on the Judiciary Committee of any Republican women to whom Grassley could pretend to listen, forcing Senator Orrin Hatch to step uncomfortably into the role of a woman.

Chuck Grassley Spends Weekend Practicing Pretending-to-Listen Face

[elaphe (Lynn)]

[anon95374541]