Here’s the latest rendition on Jimmy Kimmel’s show- it’s even better than the solo.
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Game night just got a whole better!
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
DNA Test Reveals Donald Trump, Jr., Is Fifty Per Cent IdiotNEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump, Jr., has taken a DNA test that reveals that he is “fifty-per-cent idiot,” Trump confirmed on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters at a press conference in Trump Tower, Trump said that he had undergone the DNA testing “to silence all of the haters who have been saying I’m a total idiot.”
Crowing about the test results, Trump said, “According to this test, I am fifty-per-cent idiot, which is way less than half.”
Trump’s results drew a skeptical response from the scientific community, with many leading geneticists questioning the integrity of his DNA sample.
According to Davis Logsdon, a genetic scientist at the University of Minnesota, “Any test of Don, Jr., that comes back lower than ninety-per-cent idiot is going to set off alarm bells, scientifically speaking.”
Trump, Jr., first boasted about his test results on Twitter, where he misspelled “DNA.”
#AppleDoesn’tFallTooFarFromTheTree
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At least in that scenario the fish live.
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Satire from The Borowitz Re> port
Putin Furious at Saudis for Using His Puppet Without Permission
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is “absolutely furious” at the Saudi royal family for using his puppet without first obtaining his permission, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.
According to the aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Russian President has been “seething with anger” in recent days as he has observed the Saudis using his favorite puppet as if it were their own.
“At one point, Putin was watching the news and saw his puppet behaving in the kind of scraping, subservient manner toward the Saudis that he had previously reserved for him,” the aide said. “He pulled the TV out of the wall and hurled it across the room.”
According to diplomatic sources, the Saudis have reached out to Russia in the hopes of striking some sort of puppet-sharing agreement, but the enraged Russian President has refused to entertain such overtures.
“He’s my tiny puppet, and only I can make him dance,” Putin reportedly snapped.
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Dispatches Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Saudi Arabia to Provide Lying Advice
By Andy Borowitz
October 18, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has dispatched the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, to Saudi Arabia to provide what the White House on Thursday called “essential lying advice and assistance.”
According to the counsellor to the President Kellyanne Conway, “The President was not happy with the quality of lies coming out of the Saudi royal family, and who better to fix that than Sarah Sanders?”
Sources close to Sanders said that the press secretary was “horrified” during her first meeting in Riyadh to discover that the crown prince’s lying skills were “rudimentary at best.”
“The absence of a free press in Saudi Arabia means that M.B.S.”—Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman—“has had virtually zero experience lying to reporters,” Sanders reportedly told one of her aides. “The learning curve is going to be steep.”
In perhaps her most withering comment on the state of the Saudis’ lying, Sanders said, “These clowns could never have gotten Kavanaugh confirmed.”
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You got that right.
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Saudi Crown Prince Freaks Out After Giuliani Offers to Go on TV and Explain What HappenedWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Rudolph Giuliani offered to appear on television and explain “what really happened” inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Giuliani has confirmed.
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
Spies Eavesdropping on Trump Complain He Is Speaking in Indecipherable Language
By Andy Borowitz
October 25, 2018
Official White House Photograph by Shealah CraigheadWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable.
According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish.
“Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.”
A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless.
Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression.
“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
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