The boats are coming! The boats are coming!
This was me today text/phone banking for Nevada, Missouri and Florida Dems
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Unable to Stop Caravan of Democratic Women Invading Washington
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump warned on Wednesday that a caravan of Democratic women was heading toward Washington, D.C., with the explicit goal of invading the nation’s capital.
Speaking at a press conference at the White House, Trump acknowledged that he had failed in his bid to stop the caravan, which is on schedule to arrive in Washington on January 3, 2019.
“The Democrats are responsible for sending this caravan, and, frankly, it’s a disgrace,” he said. “They are sending some dangerous women.”
Elaborating on the threat posed by the caravan, Trump said, “Some of these women have fought in wars. They have fired guns. One of them is a mixed-martial-arts specialist. These are women who will kick your ass without hesitating.”
Trump denied that he was irresponsibly stoking fears about the caravan of females. “Every Republican in Washington should be scared shitless of these women,” he said. “I know I am.”
D&D Party Member With -3 Charisma Keeps Trying to Fucking Roll Deception
WASHINGTON — Sarah Huckabee Sanders, roleplaying as Press Secretary, was seen attempting yet another Deception roll despite her character sporting an abysmal 5 total Charisma score, according to insiders from within the Trump administration. The low roll of 3 (natural 6 minus 3 when factoring in Charisma) was contested by the entire nation’s passive Insight, which at the time of reporting currently sits at 9.
Though Sanders is specced into primarily Intelligence to bolster her spellcasting ability to allow her to conjure up fantastical images and fake realities, other players at the table have commented that she goes out of her way to use her worst stat to lie to almost every NPC that they meet in the game.
“I’d say it was funny once or twice, but nobody at the table is laughing anymore and she really isn’t getting it,” recently killed-off Human Barbarian Jeff Sessions said to reporters. “I mean, even with my low Wisdom, I still managed to make some decent rolls in the campaign, like hitting the saving throw and successfully recusing myself from the Russia investigation.”
Sanders’ roll was made after the party’s plan to destroy a troublesome NPC named Jim Acosta went belly-up, leaving them floundering for a backup in true D&D fashion. According to Sanders, Acosta is a rude and bloodthirsty Level 14 Monk who found President Trump (Goblin Bard) and beat up his squire.
“Honestly, President Trump rolled Persuasion against Acosta earlier in the session to an unfortunate critical failure,” explained Dungeon Master Vladimir Putin, laughing. “But I don’t really care, I’m the kind of DM who loves to fuck with all his players. I’ll be happiest if the Trump Campaign all goes horribly wrong.”
Trump’s squire refused to comment, but eyewitnesses of the alleged scuffle say her Dexterity was low and that she simply failed half-a-dozen Sleight of Hand checks on Acosta.
Duck shit everywhere.
(warning - graphic)
And this most gruesome, and realistic response…
Apparently this amazing person has decided to run for the Senate against Sue Collins. <3 If I lived in her area she’d have my vote.
Today, we gathered for Diwali, a holiday observed by Buddhists, Sikhs, and Jains throughout the United States & around the world. Hundreds of millions of people have gathered with family & friends to light the Diya and to mark the beginning of a New Year. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh9zz67KYS4 …
It must be very confusing being the leader of the free world and finding out that there are all these other countries and religions…
Trump managed to leave Jews out of Holocaust Remembrance, this is not a surprise.
Yes, with him, it is always the lowest common denominator…he forgot, he forgot intentionally, he’s stupid, he’s a know-nothing. Or all of the above.
HUMOR FIX - see response to T’s comments on letting Acosta back in with his renewed press pass.
Trump, in an interview with Fox, talking about losing to CNN in court: “It’s not a big deal. What they said, though, is that we have to create rules and regulations for conduct, etcetera. We’re going to write them up. It’s not a big deal. If he misbehaves, we’ll throw him out.”
Acosta will change his shirt and hat and walk right back in.